Jim Nolan's Blog

Zambonis of the Gods?

It’s a two-mile-long, flat plane of ice floating in the Weddell Sea off Antarctica, shaped like a perfect rectangle. It’s so big it contains enough water to fill every swimming pool in California several times over.

It’s a tabular iceberg, broken off from the Ross Ice Shelf. Scientists, who think they know everything, say that such a shape—perfectly even on the top with 130-foot high sides that look like they were cut with a band saw—is natural and explained by something they call “physics.” I have another theory, unencumbered by fact: it is an ice rink used by giant aliens to play hockey.

I put this theory forward not to create a sensation or become fabulously wealthy, like Erik von Däniken, the author of Chariots of the Gods?, which has sold over 70 million copies. But publishers, let’s talk.

Von Däniken argues that humanity has been visited by extraterrestrial visitors for thousands of years, providing us with their wisdom. And what a wonderful job they’ve done, helping us create the wheel, the pyramids, Netflix, EZ Pass, Pringles, all of them advancing civilization by leaps and bounds.

The pictures of the iceberg were taken by a NASA research plane, and if you look very, very closely, and squint, you may see what appears to be a giant alien Zamboni, probably brought here from another galaxy that gets NHL games as part of their cable package. Not having water on their planet, the aliens had to travel to Earth, and their great size made the giant Antarctic ‘bergs the perfect venue. They play in the darkness of the polar night, with night vision goggles, explaining why there is no photographic evidence.

These are theories I intend to explore in Zambonis of the Gods?, an evidence-free look at these unsolved mysteries, which deserve greater understanding, government funding, and a cable TV series with a concerned-sounding narrator raising questions like, “Has Bobby Orr been contacted by the aliens to play on one of their teams?” I don’t doubt that he has—aliens are intelligent, as we have seen time and time again in movies. By the way, it is well known that E.T. had a wicked slapshot. Spock, believe it or not, spent a lot of time in the penalty box for tripping. On Vulcan, he was known as a dirty player, ready to drop his gloves at the slightest provocation.

Could the Zamboni be a stunt by the Zamboni company to get publicity? No, I don’t think so. The Zamboni’s presence on the iceberg is more, how to put this, theoretical in nature, which is why I have put a question mark in the title. It could be there, it’s just hard to prove it, except by bravely claiming it is there, like that book on advertising’s “hidden persuaders” that hid the persuaders so well it turned out they didn’t exist. It sold a million copies. Perhaps the Zamboni is subliminal, that’s why you can’t see it.

The photo NASA took of Bobby Orr on the iceberg waving back at them, however, that’s as real as it gets. I will dedicate the book to him.

Illustration by Isabella Bannerman

Modern Mrs. Darcy Gift Idea: Our Northanger Abbey Sticker

Thrilled to be mentioned in Modern Mrs. Darcy's suggestions for gift ideas! Thanks Anne Bogel, Ginger Horton and team, and to my wife Isabella Bannerman for the great illustration. 

Dog Cartoon by Isabella Bannerman

I like where Isabella put the date of the cartoon is on this drawing. 

Sunday Cartoon by Isabella Bannerman

The Museum Cafe is always our first stop. 

 

Remembering Robert and John

My mother's uncle, Robert Koenig, and my father's uncle, John Curry. Both were killed in action in WW1. Robert served in the German Navy. John, in the U.S. First Army, 28th Infantry. Lt. Curry's story is below.

 Listen to May 28, 1918

Plot A, Row 26, Grave 6

Sara Curry's son's headstone in the Somme American Cemetery in France. Lt. Curry was originally buried in the American Military Cemetery in Cantigny, then disinterred and reburied here near Bony. From Gold Star Mother's Pilgrimage of Remembrance by John W. Graham: "Each woman visited the grave over three or four successive days. The Army provided each woman a wreath of flowers, a photograph of the mother at the grave, and plenty of time alone. Cemetery visits were viewed as a time for private mourning and reflection, not for ceremonies and empty speeches."

From Factory Town to Olfactory Fame: Cheerios Is on the Breeze in Buffalo

Illustration by Isabella Bannerman

While Buffalo has many reasons to visit, like its famous chicken wings, world-class art and architecture, and nearby Niagara Falls, it may one day be known for another reason altogether: Cheerios are cooked up in the Queen City.

When the wind is right, the smell of baking Cheerios wafts over the city, bringing delight to all. Buffalo is considered one of the friendliest cities in America, and surely this is a contributing factor. It’s hard to argue with someone when your sense of smell gives you a sense of bliss.

Buffalo didn’t always smell like Cheerios. The wondrous scent was masked by more noxious odors from steel factories. They are gone now, and the jobs that went with them. But their absence revealed something Buffalonians had not known, that underlying the fog of pollution was a note of happiness waiting to be revealed.

Over a billion dollars worth of Cheerios are sold each year. It is an American icon, and wholesome, too, made from oat grain. It is the Tom Hanks of cereal. Even toddlers love it. Chocolate Cheerios has been available since 2010. Imagine a chocolate-covered Tom Hanks. He’d be more popular than ever, but not, like Cheerios, gluten free.

To create the unique Cheerios shape, a round ball of dough is sent through a pumping gun at speeds of 100 MPH, puffing it up. Lester Borchardt came up with the idea in 1941. They probably thought he was goofing off, playing with his food. Which, no doubt, he was.

“Let me get this straight, Lester. You’re going to take the dough, send it through a thin metal tube at 100 miles an hour, and see what happens?”

“In the name of science.”

“Can I help?”

You’d want to be careful around that gun. It’s easy to imagine engineers after the holiday party turning it on each other, as another “experiment.” A visit to the ER to get Cheerios embedded in your skin removed would be embarrassing. The hospital might tweet a photo for the publicity.

Much has been made of the Cheerios smell in Buffalo, but not so much the scent of magically delicious Lucky Charms. I haven’t witnessed it, but I imagine its effect would be different on people. I think people who inhale its aroma would begin to speak in an Irish brogue, like “Lucky,” the cereal’s leprechaun character implanted in our brains by TV advertising. “Always after me Lucky Charms,” Lucky says. He seems good humored about it. If people were continually trying to steal my foodstuffs, I might not be so gracious. But the Irish, I suppose, are used to it.

So for your next vacation, involve all five of your senses. Visit Buffalo. Taste authentic wings. See a Frank Lloyd Wright mansion that has undergone a stunning $50 million restoration. Hear and feel the thunder of the Falls just twenty minutes away.

And smell something that may take you to a different place altogether: To the breakfast table long ago, sleepy eyed, asking someone to pass the milk.

Buffalo Forge Grill for Sale in California

I received an email today from Mike in California. He has a grill for sale. As he points out, it's missing the table (but it has hubcaps). Mike doesn't think it's been used much, if used at all. If you are interested, give Mike a shout at 760-378-3448.