It’s all Nolan Ryan’s fault
My name is trending on the baby name lists. James, a perfectly good name, is #4. I’ve got no beef with that. It was good enough for James Brown, it’s good enough for anybody.
But the name that’s trending is Nolan, #64 and rising.
The final straw? An article on the front page of the New York Times today, with a photo of a Brooklyn couple and their baby boy, Nolan. If it’s becoming popular in Brooklyn, in a few years’ time it’ll be in the top five.
This is just wrong, and I say this on behalf of all Nolans. Real Nolans.
Nolan comes from the Irish surname Nuallán. It has been variously described as meaning chariot-fighter, champion, famous, or noble. This, however, is probably an Irish marketing gimmick to sell knickknacks to American tourists named Nolan.
Every Irish surname, at least according to the souvenirs you can buy, descends from similar highfalutin ancestry. Nobody wants to bring back a keepsake informing the world that in the original Gaelic, your name means “horse thief.”
That said, I like the chariot fighter angle. In this one, single case, it’s probably true.
So I think I’ve established that Nolan is an ancient surname, descended from a noble race of famous warrior charioteers, pulled by steeds we purchased fairly or captured in the wild and tamed.
I can understand, then, why non-Nolans are so desperate to get it in their names somehow, even if it goes in the wrong place.
Nolan Ryan, who is named after his father, started the trend, or rather, his grandparents did. Maybe they had been on a trip to Ireland and got bamboozled at a tourist trap. Or they had seen some of my people going by in the family chariot. Naturally it was appealing to them.
Unfortunately, Nolan Ryan lived up the Nolan name in every way: Baseball Hall of Fame, most no-hitters of any pitcher, most career strikeouts.
How does a last-name Nolan compete with that?
The example we find is not encouraging.
There is a ballplayer listed in Wikipedia as “The Only Nolan.” How Edward Sylvester Nolan got his nickname is unclear. According to Wikipedia, it may be because no other Nolan had ever played in the major leagues. A pitcher, he had a lifetime record of 274 strikeouts, compared to Ryan’s 5,714.
The Only Nolan was blacklisted in 1881 for “confirmed dissipation and general insubordination.” So perhaps fans and teammates thought, “thank God he’s the only Nolan playing for us.”
At least there is no mention of stealing horses.
Given his example, we Nolans might as well change our last names to Ryan. Or simply flip the order of our names. Nolan James doesn’t sound half bad. Better yet I’ll change my name to Nolan Nolan, it’s distinctive and uses the name to its fullest potential.
Look, if you want to give your son the name Nolan, it’s fine by me. He’ll probably grow up to be a great ballplayer.
As for us last-name Nolans, we’ll be watching Ben Hur.
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